Purity, Virginity,
Marriage, Chastity and Hymenoplasty
By Jay Hettiarachchy,
Nov. 2013
I was inspired to do this write-up as a follow up to a feedback that I
received for one of my previous writings on Asian Marriages -- An Emerging Asian Marriage Model in the Western World posted in blogger.
Ref: http://distant-families.blogspot.com/2013/09/an-emerging-asian-marriage-model-in.html.
One feedback that I receive for my
above mentioned paper, in particular pointed out and conveyed a mixed feeling
about a changing marriage custom in Sri Lanka, where in the changing society
some young women are still struggling with the challenge of proving their
purity and virginity to their future husbands and the relatives of the families
bonded together by the marriage during their marriage ceremonies. The following
quotation sums up this issue: "Virginity testing is a
marriage custom [in Sri Lanka] where the bride is expected to pack a white
sheet into her luggage before she leaves on her honeymoon. The day after the couple's
first night together relatives will examine this white sheet for blood stain.
If the stains are present the girl is considered to be of good character, and
receive a bouquet of red roses. The absence of stain will result in her not
being considered a virgin and the prospect of a life spent in the shadow of
suspicion and doubt." source: http://www.island.lk/2001/11/04/leisur01.html.
People
in such societies believe that the understanding of virginity as detailed above is the state of a young
woman who has never engaged in sexual intercourse. Ironically, this may not be necessarily true of every women. Most men however, do not have a such a test to
prove their virginity to their future wives and their families. The society and
culture seem to be very silent and tolerant about the virginity of men seeking
marriage partners anyway.
Purity of women so deeply
tied with virginity is not unique to Sri Lanka alone. Judging by the hymenoplasty clinics present all
over the world including Europe, Canada and America, vaginal re-construction
procedures seems to be a thriving
medical procedure and practice that appeals to a large number of women as well
as a thriving business for entrepreneurs.
A quick search on Google will enable anybody interested in gathering
information regarding this procedure, availability, what it costs, and the
rationale for the procedure just like any other medical procedure done on the
human body. It may be added however, that such procedures in the western world are
not necessarily associated with the same underlying cultural reasons as in the eastern hemisphere
and middle east. In the western world, hymenoplasty
and veginoplasty appear to be a growing medical business for reasons not
limited to as a proof of virginity by a woman to others but for various other
reasons as well. The rationale and practice of hymenoplasty and veginoplasty in
the western world are beyond the scope
of this paper. Interested readers may read the following article on this
subject: Social and Ethical Considerations in Virtual Worlds, Robert W. Kerbs Computer
Science Department California State Polytechnic University, Pomona, USA
rwkerbs@csupomona.edu (a Google Search will enable the reader to read this
article).
The main object of this
paper is to analyze a very limited aspect of marriage custom widely practiced
in Sri Lanka -- that of considering virginity of a female as a proof of her not
having had a sexual relationship prior to her marriage. Such a custom is
apparently deeply associated with the belief that a young woman needs to
preserve her purity for the sake of the man whom she is going to share her life
with and spend the rest of her life. Although this custom is not observed by
all young women and men getting married, most traditional parents strongly believe that virginity of a young
woman, among many other criteria, is one
of the most important factors that results in a happy marriage. For this reason
only, most traditional parents guard their daughters with care and vigilance
until they are given in marriage to a man of their choice. Most parents of
young women make it their responsibility to find a suitable man for their
daughter who would support her all
through her life. This is very much similar to the expectation of marriage as
pronounced -- to be my lawfully
wedded(husband/wife), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better,
for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us
part - in marriage ceremonies by the Christian community.
Some customs and norms
associated with most societies and cultures die hard. This is true of the
western society and cultures as well. The reality however is that every
succeeding generation of humans in the known history of human evolution, have
been somewhat dissatisfied with the status
quo and striven hard to push a little further hoping to do better in life
than the previous generation. The social and cultural conflicts are therefore
not altogether new. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how one
perceives it, societal norms have a way
of affecting the life of the members of a society who not only inherit those
beliefs and practices from their forefathers but also strongly believe in
inculcating them in the minds of their children as well in the process of rearing
them. The cultural norms and practices governing virginity and purity of young
women in Sri Lanka and many other similar societies have been practiced for
centuries as well as affected the members of those societies and have become an integral part of those
societies. The same is true of Christian
ethics associated with the concept of marriage as well as the marriage
relationship of women who are supposed to take a "back seat" in their
marriage relationship. Discontinuing
such practices that are closely bound with social and cultural customs is not
easy. Human history has proven that
cultural revolutions do happen, but they do not happen as often or overnight.
Although there are anti and mixed feelings expressed by many writers and
active groups such as the women's liberation movement regarding these customs
and practices that victimize women on the one hand, we live in a world of women
and men where both men and women hope to find a marriage partner with an
unblemished body , mind, and character who would be faithful to them and not
have any extra-marital relationship/s with other men or women on the other.
This of course is contradictory expectation similar to wanting to have and eat
the cake. Both young men and women who have been very active dating in high
school and college would consider the purity, chastity, trust worthiness, and
loyalty of their marriage partner when it comes to marrying a person. This
contradiction as well as many other related causes, apparently make most
marriages to fail in the so called developed world.
In instances where men and women are truly in
love in soul-hurt relationships as it happens so often today between opposite
as well as same sex partners, marriage partners may not at all care about
social or cultural customs, religious sanctions (if they have a religious
affiliation with a religion), parental consent/objections, social stigma etc.
when it comes to marrying the person who they are in love with. As society
changes with time, so do people living in the society change, and this
obviously shows that the "natural selection" process is at work in
full force in human evolution whether people like it or not.
Those who lived in this
world within the past 50-60 years have seen how the current society has changed
radically from the traditional society of our forefathers. The world's
population has almost quadrupled; agrarian, industrial, technological (together
with) informational revolutions have transformed the previous society and cultures
in an unprecedented way. Scientific discoveries have enabled prolonging life
expectancy, while medical and pharmaceutical innovations have empowered both
men and women to openly challenge the good old customs and norms regarding
their sex-life, socially acceptable life-styles and live their life as they
please without having to worry about the community or the society at large. The
social customs enforcing the purity, virginity, chastity, and extra-marital
sexual relationships are no exceptions in a changing society.
In conclusion it may be
mentioned that various ideas, taboos, rituals associated with the selection of
sex partners by communities, clans, tribes, castes, families, and many others
communal groups have evolved ever since humans have inhabited the earth. Unlike
most animals, humans have shown to be very jealous, protective, and possessive
of the partners they select as their sex partners. Virginity and purity of a
woman is only one such criteria in Sri Lankan customs relating to matrimonial
relationships between families. While in the developed world, selection of sex
partners has more or less become a private and personal affair rather than a family
affair in most cases, in societies and cultures that are considered to be "primitive" by the world's
standards there are many other such criteria such as the agreement of the
horoscope, the caste, social ranking of the family etc. that are a very much
researched by both the families of the bride and the groom before a marriage is
agreed upon. As much as a man expects a woman to be pure and perfect, a woman
too has such expectations of a man to be pure faithful and trustworthy. In
certain instances, the parents insist on such attributes of a son-in-law or a
daughter-in-law as the case may be even before they give their consent and
blessing for the marriage of their son or daughter. This is expected in
societies in which "family" takes priority than personal happiness
and interest. The breakup of marriages and family ties are fewer in such
societies in which most marriages between men and women last as long as they
live.
