On Retirement - Chapter One

Chapter One
Why Not Retire?

 “Retirement is a state of mind”

Most working people would like to put off retirement as long as they could. This is because they do not even like the idea of thinking about being separated forever from the work world they lived in most of their productive life. They have gotten used to the idea of going to bed thinking about what they would be accomplishing at work the following day and getting up in the morning and rushing to work to do what they thought they would be accomplishing on that day. This has become a daily routine in life for most people working for others and for themselves. Those who worked in one institution most of their lifetime also have a tendency to be thinking that they are an inseparable part of that institution. Their life and work are so well aligned, integrated and intersected that they dread the idea of retirement as much as they dread the idea of death.

There are others who have to go for work to make a living. They have to make money to pay for their daily expenses, car liens and house mortgages and most other financial bill payments including credit card bills, sometimes too many of them, they have to do at the end of the month. Some of them have children to feed and clothe and they worry about their own life and their children’s life and dread the day they would lose their job. For them it is similar to slavery but having a different level of freedom they are supposed to enjoy while performing their work in accordance with the job description they are given. Such people are very fearful and guard job permanency with their life. Therefore they are willing to do anything at work that their supervisors tell them to do. In most colleges and universities most faculty members live and die for the type of job permanence which is commonly known as tenure.

Hope has a way of keeping people longing to live and work forever. For most people the recognition they get in their workplace and the promotions and higher positions they reach in their place of work is larger than their life. In almost all the different work places I worked in my work life of 40 some years in 10 different educational institutions I saw how this human tendency and passion is dramatized in people’s real life. At one work place there was a candidate who literally hit his head against the wall because he did not get the head of department position he wanted to get. There was another person who went on a hunger strike because someone else was selected for the head of the department position he competed and lost. In most other cases where an outsider was selected over the interim acting person working in a temporary capacity in the position, it was almost customary practice for the person who previously worked in such temporary capacity to leave the institution quietly and unceremoniously. But the good news is that those who persevere in spite of such hurdles at work, they eventually walk away as winners if they are not prepared to accept defeat easily. Most winners under such circumstances are those who play their card wisely and confidently.They are the type of people who get what they want by hook or by crook. For such personalities, who fail miserably at work, sometimes failing their work places as well, retirement is not simply an option, but job-hopping is.  Peter Principle works for them – sometimes, inefficiency has a way of rising to the top. It is not always possible for hiring institutions to get the services of private detectives every time they have vacancy for an attractive high ranking position with a high salary and status.

Having been well aware of the above risks of over enthusiasm and fear to lose your job, especially in your old age, I announced my retirement two years ago to my employer, co-workers and friends. This is to give them sufficient time to find someone who could replace me in my position. I wanted to give them no surprises about my desire to quit work. However, no one was happy about my decision to retire, including my employer. This made me wonder if these people wanted me to work for ever.

I consider my case was unusual.  Most of the time, employers like it when someone who holds a senior position in an institution wants to retire. This is because they could hire two young people for the salary they paid for one senior person. The normal tendency therefore is for the administrators of an institution to give subtle hints and, in some cases harass a person until s/he eventually retires. Such continued harassment causes illness including heart-related illness, cancer and other complications which eventually results in the employee concerned to retire “voluntarily.”

Most often some people want to make retirement a big secret, like family secrets or other secrets they do not want to talk about especially when it comes to retirement from work. Others only whisper about such things. But what is there to whisper about retirement? Do they whisper about it when someone dies also? It looks like people want to brag about weddings, child births etc. over the airways, news papers social networks and all other places that one could think of. It is almost like they are shouting out “look at what I have got, look at what I have done, look at what I have seen on You Tube, look at my picture, look at what I had for dinner? How cool? Look at me.” No whispering there. I understand the earnestness and enthusiasm of people to boast about themselves. But why don’t they do the same thing about retirement as well? What is wrong with bragging about retirement? Isn't retirement the coolest and most honorable thing on earth that an old man or woman could do after working for so long?

Seriously, why do people not want to think or talk about their retirement? They obviously think that when their friends and co-workers come to know about a person’s retirement, they would begin to avoid the retiring person like a leper or an invalid coin or a useless and unproductive person just waiting to die. They would therefore avoid a retired person. Even the good doctors would not take a retired person as their patient; apparently they push the retirees to senior nurses rather. This is because retirees are no longer milk cows; most of them are on Medicare. But why should a retiree be so worried about needing the best doctor who would want to avoid retired people? Is that a good reason to be working in a stressful job that makes her/him sick?

But isn't this one good way to find out who your friends really are and who you could trust? If people care for you just because you are so and so working for such and such big fortune five hundred company or you are a CEO of a big company, do you really want them to be your friends? Don’t you want to be with a few people who truly care about you and not care about your next big project or promotion at work at least during your retirement years? I would keep away from those people who want my relationship or friendship just because I am the CEO or an employee of a big company.

Some co-workers started calling me the “short timer” shortly after I announced my retirement. It was most unpleasant experience that I had during the last year at my work place. I wondered if these people who call me a “short timer” were my true friends at work who I could associate even after my retirement.  I also thought that the people who called me a “short timer” were very unrealistic about what life has in store for the working class. It looked as if they did not want to see me relieved of work and be happy in my last few years of life. Maybe they did not want to retire from work and they did not want others to retire either.

The third category of people asked me what I would be doing after I retire. This question gave me the impressions that they wanted me do work even after I retire. I thought otherwise, I decided to retire because I did not want to work for others any longer, or better, I did not imply want to do "work" for work's sake. I also thought that people should take time off to relax at least in their old age after working for so long. There are many other things that people could or should do besides work at least during the time when they are free to do such things. Retirement from work provides the necessary freedom as well as the opportunity for a person to do such things.

Incidentally, I dream of a strange dream almost every week. The dream is about all the lectures I have to prepare and deliver, committee meetings I have to attend, the reports to complete before deadlines, and all the stressful things on earth that I have to do the following day. Fortunately, when I wake up, I realize that it is just a dream and I do not have to do any of those things I was worried about in my dream and I have a full day in front of me do whatever I want to do or not do anything at all. This realization makes me extremely happy; I feel I need a few more days like this when I wake up every day, especially when I do not have to struggle driving my car to work in snow during below zero temperatures in North Dakota as I used to do for some 15 years during the prime time of my life.

Yes, there is a time to work and time to leave work as much as there is a time to be a student, a married man, a working person, and a retired person. Mixing up these stages of life causes complications to most people. It is most unfortunate that most people do not devote the time to study and learn how to manage their life so that they could live comfortably during each stage of their life. Admittedly, we cannot plan our life so perfectly that everything happens according to our plans and expectations. However, it is a fact that most educated people live a better life and make better decisions and choices about their life than the uneducated people. This proves that knowledge is powerful. Planning has advantages over non-planning. It goes without saying that having a plan could help achieve your goals better than not having a plan at all. Retirement works the same way. One has to have a plan for retirement. If one does not study it, communicate about it and plan for it, one will wake up in retirement without having planned for it, and this an uncomfortable place to spend your retirement. Whispering about retirement is therefore not practical or helpful when it comes to retirement, but making an informed decision is. In short, those who whisper about retirement is a good indication that they are not ready to retire, and therefore they should not retire and keep working or others until the day they drop dead at work.

5/30/2013

Drinking Alcoholic Beverages -- The Sri Lankan Way.

Most people get drunk with alcohol
11/27/2013
By Jay Hettiarachchy

In Sri Lanka, drinking is considered as one of the vices a person should avoid; it is the fifth sin to refrain from according to Buddhist way of living -- සුරාමේරය මජ්ජපමා දඨ්ඨානා වේරමනී සික්ඛා පදං සමාදියාමී (Sura meraya majja pama datthana veramani sikkhpadam samadiyami: I take the precept to abstain from distilled and fermented liquor that causes intoxication and heedlessness).

Women in Sri Lanka rarely consume alcoholic beverages while most men habitually do. Nevertheless, in searching for a suitable marriage partner for their marriageable daughter, most Sri Lankan parents avoid selecting drinking men as possible future sons-in-law. Even social drinking is considered as an evil habit in Sri Lanka. The custom of considering drinking alcohol beverages as evil is associated with the belief that alcohol consumption by a man tends to ruin his family life as well as his work life. This is based on the general belief that intoxicants such as alcohol, cigarettes, and drugs cloud our minds and thus impair our ability to think and do things. Furthermore, when intoxicated, we are prone to transgress the other four Buddhist precepts  (the five precepts of Buddhism are to abstain from:1) destroying living beings 2) taking things not given 3)sexual misconduct 4) false speech (telling lies) 5) consuming alcoholic beverages).

Drinking is also considered to be addictive having a tendency to deplete the family resources. A drinking father is considered to set a bad example to his children. A father indulging in drinking most often tends to be abusive towards his wife and children; while he indulges in drinking most nights with his drinking buddies the wife and children of such a man most often go to bed in hunger (this happens in most poor countries that include most Asian countries).

Although the consumption of alcoholic beverages is not favorably considered by the Sri Lankan society as a whole, a large number of people, mostly males, consume alcoholic beverages either openly or in secret. However, the negative religious as well as social beliefs seem to set limits to the popularity and usage of alcoholic beverages in Sri Lanka.

There is no Hindu religious ban on the use of alcohol. Yet Hinduism recognizes that alcohol is a powerful substance that has dangers that should not be taken lightly. In Islam, consumption of any intoxicating alcohol beverages is generally forbidden in the Qur'an through several separate verses revealed at different times over a period of years. At first, it was forbidden for Muslims to attend prayers while intoxicated. Such strict rules were relaxed with the passage of time.

In the western world, however, where Christianity and its influence is predominant, consumption of alcoholic beverages is not considered altogether sinful or an evil habit. The Christian views on alcohol consumption are varied. Throughout the first 1,800 years of church history, Christians consumed alcoholic beverages as a common part of everyday life. Alcohol was considered as a gift from God that makes life more joyous, but overindulgence in drinking alcohol leading to drunkenness was considered as a sin.

A person has to be at least 18 years old to drink or buy alcoholic beverages in most western countries. Unfortunately, if those who violate this age limit rule, drink alcohol at home or in parties where alcohol is served, only the ones that drink alcohol are considered responsible for their behavior and/or acts. There is a strict rule making all colleges and universities as well as other educational institutions “dry zones” at least in the United States. However, most college students are initiated to drinking liquor during their college days with the independence and care-free life that they enjoy during their college years. Liquor vending and bars are lucrative businesses in college towns. Bar-hopping in the evenings and week-ends is an activity that most college students engage in their college days.

Why is the world so widely divided on consumption of alcohol?

Alcoholic beverages have been used by virtually all cultures through most of their recorded history. Most Asian countries where alcoholic drinks have been produced and consumed from the origin of mankind appear to perceive consumption of alcohol as an abominable and harmful act whereas most western countries in general do not have the same negative perception of alcohol consumption. However, there is no denial of the fact that all humans belonging to both eastern and western parts of the world from the known beginnings of their history were driven for intoxication. It is evident from the history of mankind that without exception all humans belonging to different cultures had a desire for liberation from the restrictions of mundane existence by experiencing altered states of consciousness. People also pursue them in various other ways than resorting to alcoholic beverages. Some follow the paths of prayer or meditation or yoga in their quest for spiritual insight, while others are transported to higher planes of consciousness by way of ecstasies induced by art, music, sexual passion or other intoxicating substances. Whatever the case may be, conventional wisdom seem to set limits to excessive consumption of alcohol and other intoxicating substances through social, cultural, and religious sanctions. The theme of this write-up – Sri Lankan attitudes towards alcohol consumption – is a case in point.

Although the western world apparently has a more positive take on alcohol consumption, most research done on alcohol consumption in the western world seem to indicate that excessive alcohol consumption is harmful to human beings. Unfortunately, researchers seem to be coming up with contradictory conclusions on the effects of alcohol on humans. Understandably, alcohol production, similar to cigarette production is big business in the western world. Widely differing favorable opinions and conclusions by researchers whose projects are funded by big business is not an altogether a new phenomenon in the research world. Gobal alcoholic drinks industry which is expected to exceed $1 trillion in 2014, according to MarketLine is not an exception. Market volume of alcohol according to MarketLine is predicted to reach almost 210 billion liters in 2014, a 10% increase in five years. Beer, cider and flavored alcoholic beverages represent the leading market segment with over half of the overall market value. The EU represents almost 57% of the world alcoholic drinks market. (source:http://www.reportlinker.com/ci02014/Alcoholic-Drink.html)

Unlike in the east, the consumers are made responsible for their purchasing choices in the west. Alcohol vending and serving is controlled by alcohol permits and taxes by the local governments making sure that only legitimately produced alcohol is sold to the consumers. Alcohol related illnesses as well as behavioral issues are considered the sole responsibility of the consumer. This is a situation in which all parties concerned (the tax collectors, vendors, and consumers) seem to be happy until health, legal and other associated problems due to the excessive consumption of alcohol creep up in one’s life. It is considered his or her own fault that he or she has to deal with and no one else’s responsibility. In Sri Lanka, however, such a situation is considered the responsibility of the family and the loved ones, both before it happens and after (if it happens).

Purity, Virginity, Marriage, Chastity and Hymenoplasty

Purity, Virginity, Marriage, Chastity and Hymenoplasty

By Jay Hettiarachchy, Nov. 2013

I was inspired to do this write-up as a follow up to a feedback that I received for one of my previous writings  on Asian Marriages -- An Emerging Asian Marriage Model in the Western World posted in blogger. Ref: http://distant-families.blogspot.com/2013/09/an-emerging-asian-marriage-model-in.html.

 One feedback that I receive for my above mentioned paper, in particular pointed out and conveyed a mixed feeling about a changing marriage custom in Sri Lanka, where in the changing society some young women are still struggling with the challenge of proving their purity and virginity to their future husbands and the relatives of the families bonded together by the marriage during their marriage ceremonies. The following quotation sums up this issue: "Virginity testing is a marriage custom [in Sri Lanka] where the bride is expected to pack a white sheet into her luggage before she leaves on her honeymoon. The day after the couple's first night together relatives will examine this white sheet for blood stain. If the stains are present the girl is considered to be of good character, and receive a bouquet of red roses. The absence of stain will result in her not being considered a virgin and the prospect of a life spent in the shadow of suspicion and doubt." source: http://www.island.lk/2001/11/04/leisur01.html.

 People in such societies believe that the understanding of virginity as detailed above is the state of a young woman who has never engaged in sexual intercourse. Ironically, this may  not be necessarily true of every women.  Most men however, do not have a such a test to prove their virginity to their future wives and their families. The society and culture seem to be very silent and tolerant about the virginity of men seeking marriage partners anyway.

 Purity of women so deeply tied with virginity is not unique to Sri Lanka alone.  Judging by the hymenoplasty clinics present all over the world including Europe, Canada and America, vaginal re-construction procedures  seems to be a thriving medical procedure and practice that appeals to a large number of women as well as a thriving business for entrepreneurs.  A quick search on Google will enable anybody interested in gathering information regarding this procedure, availability, what it costs, and the rationale for the procedure just like any other medical procedure done on the human body. It may be added however, that such procedures in the western world are not necessarily associated with the same underlying  cultural reasons as in the eastern hemisphere and middle east. In the western world,  hymenoplasty and veginoplasty appear to be a growing medical business for reasons not limited to as a proof of virginity by a woman to others but for various other reasons as well. The rationale and practice of hymenoplasty and veginoplasty in the western world  are beyond the scope of this paper. Interested readers may read the following article on this subject: Social and Ethical Considerations in Virtual Worlds, Robert W. Kerbs Computer Science Department California State Polytechnic University, Pomona, USA rwkerbs@csupomona.edu (a Google Search will enable the reader to read this article).

 The main object of this paper is to analyze a very limited aspect of marriage custom widely practiced in Sri Lanka -- that of considering virginity of a female as a proof of her not having had a sexual relationship prior to her marriage. Such a custom is apparently deeply associated with the belief that a young woman needs to preserve her purity for the sake of the man whom she is going to share her life with and spend the rest of her life. Although this custom is not observed by all young women and men getting married, most traditional parents  strongly believe that virginity of a young woman,  among many other criteria, is one of the most important factors that results in a happy marriage. For this reason only, most traditional parents guard their daughters with care and vigilance until they are given in marriage to a man of their choice. Most parents of young women make it their responsibility to find a suitable man for their daughter who would  support her all through her life. This is very much similar to the expectation of marriage as pronounced -- to be my lawfully wedded(husband/wife), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part - in marriage ceremonies by the Christian community.

 Some customs and norms associated with most societies and cultures die hard. This is true of the western society and cultures as well. The reality however is that every succeeding generation of humans in the known history of human evolution, have been somewhat dissatisfied with the status quo and striven hard to push a little further hoping to do better in life than the previous generation. The social and cultural conflicts are therefore not altogether new. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how one perceives it,  societal norms have a way of affecting the life of the members of a society who not only inherit those beliefs and practices from their forefathers but also strongly believe in inculcating them in the minds of their children as well in the process of rearing them. The cultural norms and practices governing virginity and purity of young women in Sri Lanka and many other similar societies have been practiced for centuries as well as affected the members of those societies  and have become an integral part of those societies.  The same is true of Christian ethics associated with the concept of marriage as well as the marriage relationship of women who are supposed to take a "back seat" in their marriage relationship.  Discontinuing such practices that are closely bound with social and cultural customs is not easy.  Human history has proven that cultural revolutions do happen, but they do not happen as often or overnight.

 Although there are anti and  mixed feelings expressed by many writers and active groups such as the women's liberation movement regarding these customs and practices that victimize women on the one hand, we live in a world of women and men where both men and women hope to find a marriage partner with an unblemished body , mind, and character who would be faithful to them and not have any extra-marital relationship/s with other men or women on the other. This of course is contradictory expectation similar to wanting to have and eat the cake. Both young men and women who have been very active dating in high school and college would consider the purity, chastity, trust worthiness, and loyalty of their marriage partner when it comes to marrying a person. This contradiction as well as many other related causes, apparently make most marriages to fail in the so called developed world.

 In instances where men and women are truly in love in soul-hurt relationships as it happens so often today between opposite as well as same sex partners, marriage partners may not at all care about social or cultural customs, religious sanctions (if they have a religious affiliation with a religion), parental consent/objections, social stigma etc. when it comes to marrying the person who they are in love with. As society changes with time, so do people living in the society change, and this obviously shows that the "natural selection" process is at work in full force in human evolution whether people like it or not.

 Those who lived in this world within the past 50-60 years have seen how the current society has changed radically from the traditional society of our forefathers. The world's population has almost quadrupled; agrarian, industrial, technological (together with) informational revolutions have transformed the previous society and cultures in an unprecedented way. Scientific discoveries have enabled prolonging life expectancy, while medical and pharmaceutical innovations have empowered both men and women to openly challenge the good old customs and norms regarding their sex-life, socially acceptable life-styles and live their life as they please without having to worry about the community or the society at large. The social customs enforcing the purity, virginity, chastity, and extra-marital sexual relationships are no exceptions in a changing society.

 In conclusion it may be mentioned that various ideas, taboos, rituals associated with the selection of sex partners by communities, clans, tribes, castes, families, and many others communal groups have evolved ever since humans have inhabited the earth. Unlike most animals, humans have shown to be very jealous, protective, and possessive of the partners they select as their sex partners. Virginity and purity of a woman is only one such criteria in Sri Lankan customs relating to matrimonial relationships between families. While in the developed world, selection of sex partners has more or less become a private and personal affair rather than a family affair in most cases, in societies and cultures that are considered to be  "primitive" by the world's standards there are many other such criteria such as the agreement of the horoscope, the caste, social ranking of the family etc. that are a very much researched by both the families of the bride and the groom before a marriage is agreed upon. As much as a man expects a woman to be pure and perfect, a woman too has such expectations of a man to be pure faithful and trustworthy. In certain instances, the parents insist on such attributes of a son-in-law or a daughter-in-law as the case may be even before they give their consent and blessing for the marriage of their son or daughter. This is expected in societies in which "family" takes priority than personal happiness and interest. The breakup of marriages and family ties are fewer in such societies in which most marriages between men and women last as long as they live.

 

The sick deer

When I was a little boy some 60 years ago, one of my good teachers wanted a hand written page from every student in class every day. This was for improving penmanship (this applies to both males and females).

Being lazy I wrote the same passage every day from my favorite story book. After writing the same thing over and over every day I found that the teacher did not cared less about what I wrote. The only thing he cared about was penmanship.

After writing the same passage over and over I found that I could write the passage without having to look at the book anymore. I had unintentionally memorized the passage.  I got used to writing it within 5 minutes after getting ready to go to school.

Now coming to the rest of the story:

The passage was about a sick deer.  I never figured why I selected that passage for my penmanship.

The friends of the sick deer having heard about its sickness started visiting it almost daily. The sick deer (I guess it did not have a wife) treated them with food that he had collected for a rainy day. Finally the deer died.

After the post mortem it was found that the deer died not because of any illness, but due to lack of food.

The punch line in Sinhala goes like this (antimedee muva male asaneepayen nova aahara  hinga kameni )

Morale of the story:
1. Don’t eat from the sick person’s food collection when you visit the sick.
2. Take some healthy food to the sick person if and when you visit a sick person.
3. It is ok to write the same passage to improve the penmanship, but select a passage that will haunt you through the rest of your life!!! The sick deer still haunts me after 60 years….

Written on 08/01/09

 

An Emerging Asian Marriage Model in the Western World.

 

Introduction:

 Unlike the earliest known navigators who wanted to discover the other parts of the world or those adventurers who were interested in capturing other lands, most immigrants today come to settle down in the developed part of the world mainly as fortune seekers seeking for a better life for themselves and for their children. Although some of these people may have had a good life in the countries where they came from they probably wanted more and saw better opportunities in the developed part of the world. Those who were exposed to the developed world while they attended college or who had the opportunity to travel abroad for training or commerce saw this advantage.

The hardworking immigrants from South Asia  who grew up in the traditional world in which their parents were extremely religious and had strong moral and ethical values that they guarded as sacred as their own life naturally had great fears regarding the life style their children would adopt growing up in the "split culture" of the new world in which they socialize to be adults. This is one of the most important reasons for the elaborate and expensive wedding ceremonies that have become an important part of the family life of affluent immigrants of the developed world, the theme of this article. The other reason as to why they are tempted to spend an enormous amount of money on a pompous wedding ceremony is the hope that their children will be part of their life even after they separate themselves from the parental family. This stems from a realization that the children who are socialized in the developed and capitalistic world tend to be relatively selfish, self-centered, and independent unlike in the Asian countries where family ties tend to be more important than self interest.

The Theme:

For those who are familiar with the South Asian life style growing up in India, Pakistan, Nepal, Bangladesh or Sri Lanka, it is needless to say that their family is larger than their life for most people living there. The marriages between men and women are not so much marriages between individuals but primarily bonds between families that are united between members of the families, clans as well as tribes that make up those communities. Marriages outside the caste, clan, race or nationality are always negatively viewed by the members of such communities. Consequently, those individuals in such communities entering into marriages on their own due to mutual love and affection mostly based on physical attraction as well as social status need to be prepared to be living on their own and not having much to do with their extended families. This is because such marriages in some cases result in insurmountable barriers between caste, religions, language, cultural and life-style issues and affiliations, of the marrying individuals and in some cases lead to excommunication from their parental families, castes and clans.

The marriage rituals of the above mentioned communities are closely tied up with horoscope matching done by astrologers, rituals done by Hindu priests during auspicious moments, and elaborate religious ceremonies based on superstitious beliefs of the people who perform these ceremonies. Such elaborate marriage ceremonies sometimes extend over several days, weeks or months.  The origins of such rituals can be traced back to Rig Vedic culture that permeated throughout the social system of south and south-east Asian countries beginning from 2000 B.C.; they have been perpetuated for thousands of years by most people even to this day.

The details that follow of the emerging Asian marriages in the developed world given below in the rest of this article and analyzed against the back drop of the split culture within which the Asian immigrants that continue to flourish alluded to in the introduction are no doubt attempts on the part of at least the affluent Asian immigrants to perpetuate the traditional family system that they very much like to preserve in the developed world as well.

Marriage Customs of Affluent Asian Immigrants in the Developed World:

Marriage between a young man and a young woman who were brought up by their relative parents in separate families spending the most productive and valuable part of their life leading to the moving away of their children from home by marriage, could present a traumatic experience for most Asian immigrant parents. In most primitive cultures in ancient Asia marriage between a man and a woman is not always viewed favorably. In the eyes of the young woman’s parents, it is a disruption in their family life when young woman who is a part of the family is “violently taken away” by a strange young man. In the case of matriarchal societies, the reverse happens; a young man who grew up within a family and a productive member of the family is violently taken away at the prime of his life by an outside family of the female partner. After marrying the young woman, the young man goes to live with the woman’s family. While in patriarchal communities the man inherits the family property, it was the other way around in matriarchal communities. Although the newly married young people do not live with their parents anymore in the present day society, there is a tendency for the parents to move closer to their children in their old age depending on the strength of family bonds of the respective parental families with their married children.

Love marriages between young men and women are not only discouraged but tabooed in traditional societies in which the consent of the parents and elders is critical for a marriage to take place between a young man and a young woman who belonged to two previously unknown families. The consent of the respective parents for marriage between a young man and a young woman mostly depended on their ability to agree upon a list of important criteria the family hold sacred among which the matching of the horoscope and the social status of the respective families are primary considerations. Although the mutual liking of the man and woman count a great deal in order that a marriage could take place between the two families, most other criteria tend to play a more significant role in the final agreement for marriage between two families. Most wealthy parents of young women therefore make all the efforts to ensure that the young man who is going to marry their daughter is from a family of similar social status with an unblemished character and is capable of supporting their daughter as her husband. The dowry system still prevailing in most Asian societies is evidence of the type of guarantee relating to family unions forged on economic bonds between marrying families. The wealthy parents tend to throw a grandiose wedding for their daughters in the presence of all their relatives. Most of the time the dowry money given by the bride's parents to the bridegroom's parents tend to be lavishly spend on such pompous wedding ceremonies.

The situation is somewhat different however, when it comes to marriages between young men and women of the immigrant Asian families in the developed world. The children of these families grow up in a "spilt culture" in which the parental value system is at loggerheads with the prevailing social and marriage customs in the developed world. Such children grow up in a society where on the one hand marriages are on the decline homo-sexual and lesbian marriages are more or less becoming legal on the other. While the divorce rate is on the rise, the opportunity for young men and women to live as significant others is on the rise as well. The affluent immigrant parent’s response to these challenges seems one of compromise between their good old values that they hold dearly in their hearts and the value system of the society in which their children are educated and socialized.

The social and geographical proximity of the communities within which the family system bonded and co-existed is not available in the land in which the immigrants are settled in the lands of the developed world. Even in some cases in which some family members live some 1000s of miles away, maintaining the family ties on a constant and ongoing basis presents enormous challenges to the immigrants unlike in the countries from  where they originally came from. However, the urge for re-creating the same family bonds, sentiments, and values at least during the time of the marriage of their loved ones seems to be so strong, important and urgent.  Therefore these newly affluent families stop at nothing to have grandiose marriage ceremonies with all the good old rituals performed by Hindu priests in front of large audiences of family members, relatives, acquaintances and close friends. When the number of invitees reaches over 500 depending on the money both families could afford for the wedding ceremony, holiday resorts provide the ideal venue with all residence, ball-room and most other facilities including opportunities for recreational activities for those who could afford to combine the wedding participation and a pleasurable vacation in a resort.

A typical marriage ceremony in which the author participated went on for three full days in such a luxurious golf resort. There were three generations of family members from at least the bride's side of the family and about 300- 400 close relatives, acquaintances, friends etc from India, England, Canada, and most states of the U.S. who participated in the marriage ceremony. Those attending the wedding stayed in the resort all three days. The rumor had it that the wedding cost the two families approximately $150,000. The bands, Hindu priests, professional photographers, Indian food caterers, the horse driven chariots, and the exclusive use of the fabulous ball rooms of the resort that were decorated in Indian style as well as formal wedding attires worn by most family members of both the bride and bridegrooms families, made it an out-of-the-world or one-in-a-million type of wedding. It was, in short a very extraordinary and spectacular event. One of the attendees told the author that he attended one of these weddings in the east coast of America where it costs twice as much for the bride’s father. Another one from Canada told about a rich father of a bride having her wedding ceremony on a ship for several days spending a fortune on that wedding. Such wedding customs are still around; one needs to participate in them to believe it.

In Preparation for the wedding:

The family members of both the bride and the groom started pouring into the resort two days before the wedding day. They checked into various living quarters scattered all over the large wooded area of the vacation resort. This was, as it were,  a virtual recreation of the village of the bride into which the bride groom will be arriving on the wedding day. Traditionally some Asian communities did not marry someone from their own village or town  and the arrival of the bride groom on the wedding day to the bride's village and his entry into the village for the first time is marked as a celebrated event in the wedding.

The initial ceremony in preparation for the wedding started after the family members from both the bride and the groom had arrived and taken residence in the resort. The kick off of the the wedding ceremony started with a Hindu priest conducting an elaborate religious ritual reciting religious hymns similar to those sung during the traditional Hindu weddings. The priests had both the bride groom and bride with their respective parents sit on either side of him on an elevated platform and the relative’s friends and acquaintances in the audience watching the preparation ceremony for nearly two hours. The priest then had the two family members perform many ritualistic practices according to detailed instructions given to them. Observing such ceremonies could be very tiring for ordinary people who have not seen or endured such lengthy religious services. The priest was requesting the audience repeatedly for silence and no communication with one another while they watch the religious ritual that he performed on the bridegroom and bride and their respective parents.

Subsequent to the religious ritual which lasted a few hours there was a break for dinner. The loud music and the dancing of those who were comfortable dancing prevented others from talking to each other. The dancing was reminiscent of the tribal dancing of some communities in an attempt to get to know one another. The dancing went on right into midnight until most of the participants were tired and wanted go to bed in preparation for the flowing days activities.

The second days activities started at 11:00 am., after a light breakfast served.  Following the breakfast an elaborate religious ritual began with two assistants who helped the wedding priest to conduct a series of ritualistic practices; the two assistants helped the brides and bridegrooms parties to perform the actions involved in each part of the ritual helping them to do the minutest details as dictated by the wedding priest. The rituals reminded the author of the religious ceremonies performed by the priests of the popular Hindu temples in South India. At one O’clock there was a break for lunch and the family members, relatives, acquaintances and friends who have increased in numbers gathered at 6:00 pm for another religious ritual that went on for a more than an hour following which dinner was served in cafeteria style and the dance and loud music continued into midnight.

The Wedding Ceremony:

The wedding ceremony that started at 10:00 am on the third day was the most spectacular. The arrival of the groom with his friends and family according to the traditional way it is done back in the country of these folks was imitated in this ceremony. The horse chariot in which the bride groom is supposed to come to the village gate of the bride’s family was dramatized very well in the western world in front of a large spacious building complex in the holiday resort that enabled the gathering of more than 500 people. The bride’s family was waiting for the arrival of the bridegroom and his family who came dancing according to a loud drum beat. The family kept dancing for at least 30 minutes circling in front of the building where a large number of members from both families had gathered to see the arrival of the bridegroom. The large horse chariot driven by an unusually large white horse made the appearance of the bridegroom "at the bride’s village gate” spectacular. More than 10 professional photographers were taking photos as well as videos from every angle of this event as it took place.

The above event was a distant remnant of a practice in primitive Asian cultures where a mock fight was staged by the rightful person to marry the bride – the first cousin (the bride’s mother’s brother's son). This is imitated in a mock sword fight in some primitive Polynesian cultures even today according to sociologists.  

After the arrival of the bridegroom several traditional ceremonies were held, namely Genesh Puja (worship of the Lord Ganesh), Madhuparka (Honey-sweet), Kanys Agamana (arrival of the bride), Kanya daan (giving of the bride), Jai Mala (exchanging of garlands), Mangal Pheras (circling of the fire), Satapadi (seven steps), Mangalsutra, Sindoor Daan & Ring Exchange, Kanssar Bhakshan (first meal together), Akhand Saubhagyavati (blessings), Shubh Ashirwaad (married couple seeking the blessings of their elders).

This process took more than 90 minutes in front of the gathered crowd of about 400 - 500 family relatives, acquaintances and friends of both family members. After the wedding ceremony that concluded with the marriage of the bride and the groom, a grand lunch was served in cafeteria style.

In the evening the crowd gathered once again for the last time for a reception of the bride and groom. On this occasion another elaborate ceremony took place for nearly 2 and a half hours followed by a formal dinner. After the religious part of the reception ceremony was over and before dinner there were about 13 speeches made by the wedding priest, bride’s parents, close relatives, bride grooms brother and the master and mistress of the ceremony.

Analysis and Some Concluding Thoughts:

The author has participated in several formal wedding during his life time. These varied from very traditional weddings back in Asia, to those in London U.K., and in America. They also range from Church weddings that mostly take one morning or afternoon on a Saturday, to Hindu, Muslim, and Buddhist weddings that take mostly one entire day. Some Hindu weddings started as early as 4:30 am and went on during a good part of the day in a Hindu temple and later in a spacious hall where every person who attended the wedding participated in a meal together.

Traditionally, giving a grand feast after a wedding has been practiced in most cultures. In primitive cultures, the bride’s family members and the groom's family members sit around the same table and eat a meal together, sometimes passing the same banana to be eaten by every member around the table. This is one way in which that the newly acquainted members of two families bond together by sharing the same meal. The meal time gives them the opportunity to tease one another in a friendly way so that they could get to know them and bond as one family. The tension between the strangers who bond together is relieved by "a joking relationship" that they establish during their first encounter in such a way. The dancing of all the members together help greatly in reducing the tension among the participating members of such large numbers who are supposed to be bonded by the marriage relationship.

It may be observed that in Asian immigrants weddings in the developed world, there are some ingredients that are absent from the traditional weddings. First, the brides and grooms are not total strangers as in the case of the communities they represent back at home. In most cases, the parent’s come to a compromise with their adult children allowing them to find their own marriage partners while they are in college or at work. Their children in turn try as much as possible to honor the wish of the parents. However, such compromises might not fulfill all the expectations of the parents 100%  in case of love marriages between young men and women.

Second, some of the traditional rituals performed in such weddings are not only irrelevant but make no sense in the changed times and circumstances of the life of the young people who grew up in the developed world. For instance, virtual recreation of  the bridegroom's arrival at the bride’s village gate and the ceremony performed to signify that event. Many other such rituals performed during the wedding unless the young men and women going through those weddings are staunch believers and devotees of their religion make very little sense except for the formal way it is done in the presence of most of the family members, relatives and friends. However, unlike the usual marriages that take place mostly in the developed world between people, the bonds established by these traditional marriages appear to be apparently stronger.

Third, the parents do want to ensure that the marriage of their young sons  and daughters taken place in the developed world where one in three marriages fail and end up in divorce, to be stable for a life time as in the case of most traditional marriages in the Asian countries, although it is changing nowadays. A grand wedding with all the religious embellishments recreating the traditional setting in the minds of the marriage partners and all the family members is one way they could at least hope that the youngsters getting married will not end up in the divorce court.

The presence of such a large number of people who have taken the trouble to spend three four days in participating in such weddings and in some cases traveled thousands of miles from distant countries is evidence of the strong family relations that exist in both the bride and bridegrooms family circles. Lastly, even though dowry is not strictly practiced as a custom by the immigrant Asians in the developed part of the world, the enormous expenses involving large sums of money towards such glamorous weddings, is similar to dowry money spend by both sides of the family depending on the accumulated wealth of the two families that are united by such marriages.

In conclusion, glamorous  marriage ceremonies given by the Asian immigrant parents to  their marriageable children is one way in which they try to compromise with them to adhere to the same family values that they brought along with them when they came to the developed part of the world. By celebrating the marriages of their children in a very lavish way by spending enormous amount of money these parents undoubtedly hope that the marriage bonds established by such religious ceremonies in the presence of all their family, relatives, acquaintances and friends would be continued by their progeny. One person who participated in this wedding ceremony related and interesting conversation a father had with his daughter about her upcoming wedding. The father apparently gave the young woman the choice between a grandiose wedding costing several hundreds of thousands of dollars or a comfortable house of her choice to buy. The young woman apparently said :"daddy I want both." This anecdote seems a good ending for this article too.