Introduction:
The hardworking immigrants from South Asia who grew up in the traditional world in which their parents were extremely religious and had strong moral and ethical values that they guarded as sacred as their own life naturally had great fears regarding the life style their children would adopt growing up in the "split culture" of the new world in which they socialize to be adults. This is one of the most important reasons for the elaborate and expensive wedding ceremonies that have become an important part of the family life of affluent immigrants of the developed world, the theme of this article. The other reason as to why they are tempted to spend an enormous amount of money on a pompous wedding ceremony is the hope that their children will be part of their life even after they separate themselves from the parental family. This stems from a realization that the children who are socialized in the developed and capitalistic world tend to be relatively selfish, self-centered, and independent unlike in the Asian countries where family ties tend to be more important than self interest.
The Theme:
For those who are familiar with the South Asian life style growing up in India, Pakistan, Nepal, Bangladesh or Sri Lanka, it is needless to say that their family is larger than their life for most people living there. The marriages between men and women are not so much marriages between individuals but primarily bonds between families that are united between members of the families, clans as well as tribes that make up those communities. Marriages outside the caste, clan, race or nationality are always negatively viewed by the members of such communities. Consequently, those individuals in such communities entering into marriages on their own due to mutual love and affection mostly based on physical attraction as well as social status need to be prepared to be living on their own and not having much to do with their extended families. This is because such marriages in some cases result in insurmountable barriers between caste, religions, language, cultural and life-style issues and affiliations, of the marrying individuals and in some cases lead to excommunication from their parental families, castes and clans.
The marriage rituals of the above mentioned communities are closely tied up with horoscope matching done by astrologers, rituals done by Hindu priests during auspicious moments, and elaborate religious ceremonies based on superstitious beliefs of the people who perform these ceremonies. Such elaborate marriage ceremonies sometimes extend over several days, weeks or months. The origins of such rituals can be traced back to Rig Vedic culture that permeated throughout the social system of south and south-east Asian countries beginning from 2000 B.C.; they have been perpetuated for thousands of years by most people even to this day.
The details that follow of the emerging Asian marriages in the developed world given below in the rest of this article and analyzed against the back drop of the split culture within which the Asian immigrants that continue to flourish alluded to in the introduction are no doubt attempts on the part of at least the affluent Asian immigrants to perpetuate the traditional family system that they very much like to preserve in the developed world as well.
Marriage Customs of Affluent Asian Immigrants in the Developed World:
Marriage between a young man and a young woman who were brought up by their relative parents in separate families spending the most productive and valuable part of their life leading to the moving away of their children from home by marriage, could present a traumatic experience for most Asian immigrant parents. In most primitive cultures in ancient Asia marriage between a man and a woman is not always viewed favorably. In the eyes of the young woman’s parents, it is a disruption in their family life when young woman who is a part of the family is “violently taken away” by a strange young man. In the case of matriarchal societies, the reverse happens; a young man who grew up within a family and a productive member of the family is violently taken away at the prime of his life by an outside family of the female partner. After marrying the young woman, the young man goes to live with the woman’s family. While in patriarchal communities the man inherits the family property, it was the other way around in matriarchal communities. Although the newly married young people do not live with their parents anymore in the present day society, there is a tendency for the parents to move closer to their children in their old age depending on the strength of family bonds of the respective parental families with their married children.
Love marriages between young men and women are not only discouraged but tabooed in traditional societies in which the consent of the parents and elders is critical for a marriage to take place between a young man and a young woman who belonged to two previously unknown families. The consent of the respective parents for marriage between a young man and a young woman mostly depended on their ability to agree upon a list of important criteria the family hold sacred among which the matching of the horoscope and the social status of the respective families are primary considerations. Although the mutual liking of the man and woman count a great deal in order that a marriage could take place between the two families, most other criteria tend to play a more significant role in the final agreement for marriage between two families. Most wealthy parents of young women therefore make all the efforts to ensure that the young man who is going to marry their daughter is from a family of similar social status with an unblemished character and is capable of supporting their daughter as her husband. The dowry system still prevailing in most Asian societies is evidence of the type of guarantee relating to family unions forged on economic bonds between marrying families. The wealthy parents tend to throw a grandiose wedding for their daughters in the presence of all their relatives. Most of the time the dowry money given by the bride's parents to the bridegroom's parents tend to be lavishly spend on such pompous wedding ceremonies.
The situation is somewhat different however, when it comes to marriages between young men and women of the immigrant Asian families in the developed world. The children of these families grow up in a "spilt culture" in which the parental value system is at loggerheads with the prevailing social and marriage customs in the developed world. Such children grow up in a society where on the one hand marriages are on the decline homo-sexual and lesbian marriages are more or less becoming legal on the other. While the divorce rate is on the rise, the opportunity for young men and women to live as significant others is on the rise as well. The affluent immigrant parent’s response to these challenges seems one of compromise between their good old values that they hold dearly in their hearts and the value system of the society in which their children are educated and socialized.
The social and geographical proximity of the communities within which the family system bonded and co-existed is not available in the land in which the immigrants are settled in the lands of the developed world. Even in some cases in which some family members live some 1000s of miles away, maintaining the family ties on a constant and ongoing basis presents enormous challenges to the immigrants unlike in the countries from where they originally came from. However, the urge for re-creating the same family bonds, sentiments, and values at least during the time of the marriage of their loved ones seems to be so strong, important and urgent. Therefore these newly affluent families stop at nothing to have grandiose marriage ceremonies with all the good old rituals performed by Hindu priests in front of large audiences of family members, relatives, acquaintances and close friends. When the number of invitees reaches over 500 depending on the money both families could afford for the wedding ceremony, holiday resorts provide the ideal venue with all residence, ball-room and most other facilities including opportunities for recreational activities for those who could afford to combine the wedding participation and a pleasurable vacation in a resort.
A typical marriage ceremony in which the author participated went on for three full days in such a luxurious golf resort. There were three generations of family members from at least the bride's side of the family and about 300- 400 close relatives, acquaintances, friends etc from India, England, Canada, and most states of the U.S. who participated in the marriage ceremony. Those attending the wedding stayed in the resort all three days. The rumor had it that the wedding cost the two families approximately $150,000. The bands, Hindu priests, professional photographers, Indian food caterers, the horse driven chariots, and the exclusive use of the fabulous ball rooms of the resort that were decorated in Indian style as well as formal wedding attires worn by most family members of both the bride and bridegrooms families, made it an out-of-the-world or one-in-a-million type of wedding. It was, in short a very extraordinary and spectacular event. One of the attendees told the author that he attended one of these weddings in the east coast of America where it costs twice as much for the bride’s father. Another one from Canada told about a rich father of a bride having her wedding ceremony on a ship for several days spending a fortune on that wedding. Such wedding customs are still around; one needs to participate in them to believe it.
In Preparation for the wedding:
The family members of both the bride and the groom started pouring into the resort two days before the wedding day. They checked into various living quarters scattered all over the large wooded area of the vacation resort. This was, as it were, a virtual recreation of the village of the bride into which the bride groom will be arriving on the wedding day. Traditionally some Asian communities did not marry someone from their own village or town and the arrival of the bride groom on the wedding day to the bride's village and his entry into the village for the first time is marked as a celebrated event in the wedding.
The initial ceremony in preparation for the wedding started after the family members from both the bride and the groom had arrived and taken residence in the resort. The kick off of the the wedding ceremony started with a Hindu priest conducting an elaborate religious ritual reciting religious hymns similar to those sung during the traditional Hindu weddings. The priests had both the bride groom and bride with their respective parents sit on either side of him on an elevated platform and the relative’s friends and acquaintances in the audience watching the preparation ceremony for nearly two hours. The priest then had the two family members perform many ritualistic practices according to detailed instructions given to them. Observing such ceremonies could be very tiring for ordinary people who have not seen or endured such lengthy religious services. The priest was requesting the audience repeatedly for silence and no communication with one another while they watch the religious ritual that he performed on the bridegroom and bride and their respective parents.
Subsequent to the religious ritual which lasted a few hours there was a break for dinner. The loud music and the dancing of those who were comfortable dancing prevented others from talking to each other. The dancing was reminiscent of the tribal dancing of some communities in an attempt to get to know one another. The dancing went on right into midnight until most of the participants were tired and wanted go to bed in preparation for the flowing days activities.
The second days activities started at 11:00 am., after a light breakfast served. Following the breakfast an elaborate religious ritual began with two assistants who helped the wedding priest to conduct a series of ritualistic practices; the two assistants helped the brides and bridegrooms parties to perform the actions involved in each part of the ritual helping them to do the minutest details as dictated by the wedding priest. The rituals reminded the author of the religious ceremonies performed by the priests of the popular Hindu temples in South India. At one O’clock there was a break for lunch and the family members, relatives, acquaintances and friends who have increased in numbers gathered at 6:00 pm for another religious ritual that went on for a more than an hour following which dinner was served in cafeteria style and the dance and loud music continued into midnight.
The Wedding Ceremony:
The wedding ceremony that started at 10:00 am on the third day was the most spectacular. The arrival of the groom with his friends and family according to the traditional way it is done back in the country of these folks was imitated in this ceremony. The horse chariot in which the bride groom is supposed to come to the village gate of the bride’s family was dramatized very well in the western world in front of a large spacious building complex in the holiday resort that enabled the gathering of more than 500 people. The bride’s family was waiting for the arrival of the bridegroom and his family who came dancing according to a loud drum beat. The family kept dancing for at least 30 minutes circling in front of the building where a large number of members from both families had gathered to see the arrival of the bridegroom. The large horse chariot driven by an unusually large white horse made the appearance of the bridegroom "at the bride’s village gate” spectacular. More than 10 professional photographers were taking photos as well as videos from every angle of this event as it took place.
The above event was a distant remnant of a practice in primitive Asian cultures where a mock fight was staged by the rightful person to marry the bride – the first cousin (the bride’s mother’s brother's son). This is imitated in a mock sword fight in some primitive Polynesian cultures even today according to sociologists.
After the arrival of the bridegroom several traditional ceremonies were held, namely Genesh Puja (worship of the Lord Ganesh), Madhuparka (Honey-sweet), Kanys Agamana (arrival of the bride), Kanya daan (giving of the bride), Jai Mala (exchanging of garlands), Mangal Pheras (circling of the fire), Satapadi (seven steps), Mangalsutra, Sindoor Daan & Ring Exchange, Kanssar Bhakshan (first meal together), Akhand Saubhagyavati (blessings), Shubh Ashirwaad (married couple seeking the blessings of their elders).
This process took more than 90 minutes in front of the gathered crowd of about 400 - 500 family relatives, acquaintances and friends of both family members. After the wedding ceremony that concluded with the marriage of the bride and the groom, a grand lunch was served in cafeteria style.
In the evening the crowd gathered once again for the last time for a reception of the bride and groom. On this occasion another elaborate ceremony took place for nearly 2 and a half hours followed by a formal dinner. After the religious part of the reception ceremony was over and before dinner there were about 13 speeches made by the wedding priest, bride’s parents, close relatives, bride grooms brother and the master and mistress of the ceremony.
Analysis and Some Concluding Thoughts:
The author has participated in several formal wedding during his life time. These varied from very traditional weddings back in Asia, to those in London U.K., and in America. They also range from Church weddings that mostly take one morning or afternoon on a Saturday, to Hindu, Muslim, and Buddhist weddings that take mostly one entire day. Some Hindu weddings started as early as 4:30 am and went on during a good part of the day in a Hindu temple and later in a spacious hall where every person who attended the wedding participated in a meal together.
Traditionally, giving a grand feast after a wedding has been practiced in most cultures. In primitive cultures, the bride’s family members and the groom's family members sit around the same table and eat a meal together, sometimes passing the same banana to be eaten by every member around the table. This is one way in which that the newly acquainted members of two families bond together by sharing the same meal. The meal time gives them the opportunity to tease one another in a friendly way so that they could get to know them and bond as one family. The tension between the strangers who bond together is relieved by "a joking relationship" that they establish during their first encounter in such a way. The dancing of all the members together help greatly in reducing the tension among the participating members of such large numbers who are supposed to be bonded by the marriage relationship.
It may be observed that in Asian immigrants weddings in the developed world, there are some ingredients that are absent from the traditional weddings. First, the brides and grooms are not total strangers as in the case of the communities they represent back at home. In most cases, the parent’s come to a compromise with their adult children allowing them to find their own marriage partners while they are in college or at work. Their children in turn try as much as possible to honor the wish of the parents. However, such compromises might not fulfill all the expectations of the parents 100% in case of love marriages between young men and women.
Second, some of the traditional rituals performed in such weddings are not only irrelevant but make no sense in the changed times and circumstances of the life of the young people who grew up in the developed world. For instance, virtual recreation of the bridegroom's arrival at the bride’s village gate and the ceremony performed to signify that event. Many other such rituals performed during the wedding unless the young men and women going through those weddings are staunch believers and devotees of their religion make very little sense except for the formal way it is done in the presence of most of the family members, relatives and friends. However, unlike the usual marriages that take place mostly in the developed world between people, the bonds established by these traditional marriages appear to be apparently stronger.
Third, the parents do want to ensure that the marriage of their young sons and daughters taken place in the developed world where one in three marriages fail and end up in divorce, to be stable for a life time as in the case of most traditional marriages in the Asian countries, although it is changing nowadays. A grand wedding with all the religious embellishments recreating the traditional setting in the minds of the marriage partners and all the family members is one way they could at least hope that the youngsters getting married will not end up in the divorce court.
The presence of such a large number of people who have taken the trouble to spend three four days in participating in such weddings and in some cases traveled thousands of miles from distant countries is evidence of the strong family relations that exist in both the bride and bridegrooms family circles. Lastly, even though dowry is not strictly practiced as a custom by the immigrant Asians in the developed part of the world, the enormous expenses involving large sums of money towards such glamorous weddings, is similar to dowry money spend by both sides of the family depending on the accumulated wealth of the two families that are united by such marriages.
In conclusion, glamorous marriage ceremonies given by the Asian immigrant parents to their marriageable children is one way in which they try to compromise with them to adhere to the same family values that they brought along with them when they came to the developed part of the world. By celebrating the marriages of their children in a very lavish way by spending enormous amount of money these parents undoubtedly hope that the marriage bonds established by such religious ceremonies in the presence of all their family, relatives, acquaintances and friends would be continued by their progeny. One person who participated in this wedding ceremony related and interesting conversation a father had with his daughter about her upcoming wedding. The father apparently gave the young woman the choice between a grandiose wedding costing several hundreds of thousands of dollars or a comfortable house of her choice to buy. The young woman apparently said :"daddy I want both." This anecdote seems a good ending for this article too.
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